Uh, so apparently it's July now...

Yeah, it's July and I haven't posted anything since February. I guess if you're a serious blogger, then this is probably offensive and insane to you. If you're the sporadic, random blogger like myself, then you'll think nothing less of me for my lack of updates.

In the months since then, about 8.5 million things have happened, both to me, my family, and the crazy world around us.

A small recap:

1) I'm scheduled to go back to Russia this fall (!) There is a TON to get done between now and then, and even more to pray about. I am excited, albeit in an anxious, butterflies-in-my-stomach kind of way.

2) My sister had her baby early, and they are both doing well. His name is Benjamin Andrew Grayson, but I may end up calling him BAG for short. Maybe Baggy. I haven't decided yet.

3) My husband and I have knocked out a good chunk of debt, getting us closer to debt-free livin'. Yeehaw!

4) I finished the Beth Moore series, and it was awesome. Way more than just "alright, alright, alright."

5) I turned 31. Not a monumental birthday (especially since I was sick), but it was still a blessed time with family and friends. I now have a plethora of gift cards with which to update my shoddy wardrobe (and fend off family members who might be tempted to submit a video of me to "What Not to Wear").

6) I began participating in a mentor relationship through my church. I enjoy the role of "mentee," and my mentor has been a big blessing to me. [I should say that for the record, the word "mentee" reminds me too much of the word "manatee," which is not good for the self-image]

7) We hosted an anniversary party for my in-laws, with over 30 people in our house and I survived! Actually, I had a great time and it was a big success, but I was an absolute mess with nervousness and fretful thinking leading up to it.

If I keep going on with my list, I might end up just listing out everything, so I'd better stop there.

As amazing as these past few months have been, I'm frustrated that after all that's happened, I find myself back in the same spiritual funk I was in last summer. It seems that for the past couple of years, the beginning of summer usually means the beginning of a spiritual and emotional drought with me.

I struggle more with quiet times in the summer, I procrastinate more with everything, and it's hard for me to really appreciate or absorb the spiritual truth I hear all around me. I am blessed to be surrounded by such truth, but it's like I've got on some sort of lead helmet or something. Not much is able to get through, and if it does, there's not a lot of internal absorption.

Am I that dependent on structured Bible studies? Must I always have a routine in studying the Word? What does this say about my desire to know His word? I've been racking my brain over these questions, and I am at a mental crossroad, stuck pondering these two thoughts.

A) Galatians 5:1 says that "It is for freedom that Christ set us free." Being free in Christ means being free from condemnation, free from the fear of failing God. His grace is sufficient, but yet I live and think as though I am losing some sort of God brownie points for not being diligent. I know that His love and mercy (and my salvation) are not based on my works or my own ideas of Christian responsibilities. He ultimately knows my heart and that I desire to know Him better, but I will fall short. It's through His grace and mercy that I am picked up and dusted off.

B) I know that a person can respect God, believe in Him, study His word, worship Him and revere Him, but still not love Him with all their heart. He desires us to seek Him in all we do, and to love Him. If I am doing everything and still struggling with the heart motivation, what does this say about my love for Him? I am scared of that answer. I know that I love God, but how is this measured? Do I compare it to the love I know in the earthly sense? Do I even have the right to measure it at all? I know that I have freedom in Christ, but not freedom to slack off and procrastinate spending time with my Savior. Enjoying the freedom Christ gives does not mean that I get to justify or make light of the fact that I am letting many things come between my daily walk with God. I need to spend more time in His word, but not because I have to, but because I want to. But knowing that I want to do something, and actions following that knowledge are two vastly different things.

Enough deep thoughts for this evening. More coherant thoughts will hopefully follow in the days to come...

This Was The Whole Point!

So tonight I did my homework for my "Breaking Free" Bible study, and during the fourth lesson, discussing how God's rule is Right, I read a Scripture that has brought me utter joy, freedom and excitement. I am actually giddy at thinking about it again!


"Forget the former things,
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland"
Isaiah 43:18-19


WOW!! This is exactly the answer He has for me in dealing with a lot of my past sins, some of which I've carried with me for years even though they have been forgiven. The memories of them seemed to be etched on my mind like tattoos.


These two verses completely show me the reality of what He is doing in my life on a very regular basis. He is changing me for His glory, and this is so exciting! I am in awe of how He is doing a new thing in me!


So often I would wallow in self-destructive thinking and doubt, wondering if I could ever be free from the bondage of the sins of my past. It's one thing to know you're forgiven, and another thing to accept that forgiveness, but to know that His truth and life and love and grace is now SPRINGING UP IN ME like a new well of water is nothing short of a miracle. That is incredibly amazing and life changing for me.


Thinking back on the last few weeks of this study, I've been excited to learn Scripture and learn more about breaking free and turning wholly to Him. Looking at these Scriptures, I truly believe that reading these and experiencing the joy and freedom they bring is the entire reason I was supposed to be at this Bible study. Everything I've learned, everything I've read, everything I've discussed with others has all lead up to this point of true freedom and excitement in my liberation from all-encompassing and life-choking sins that sought to bind me up as long as possible.


I am really starting to get a glimpse of what it is like to be in love with Jesus and not just love Him. I want more of this!

The Latest

In an effort to document my days and remember what I am experiencing, learning, and discussing with others, here's a recap of the last few days.

- Last week was pretty rough. I had an incredibly busy week at work, and spent a lot of time praying that God would get me through it and help me to be consistently productive and not so easily distracted. Thankfully, God is incredibly merciful and gracious, and He helped me get through the week without ripping anyone to pieces.

- Tuesday night Bible Study with Beth Moore was awesome. It was good to hear her talk about how we need to cry out to God and really set our needs before him. To cry out and pray with urgency and full focus. The topic was related to the Bible study lesson from the fourth night, which was regarding prayerlessness. Beth describes it as one of five big obstacles that keep us from breaking free from bondage and sin that holds us back from experiencing the Spirit-filled life God intends for us. This lesson (along with pretty all the others) really showed me how many times during my life I've let these boulders get in my way from experiencing His truth in my life. Yay for His instruction.

- So lately I've been memorizing Scripture as part of the Breaking Free study, and right now I've made it up to four separate memory verses, which is really good for me. Then, in Sunday School, we were asked to break up in groups and either read, study or memorize parts of 1 Timothy 4. Pretty much on instinct, I decided to join the memorizing group, and I had about 5 minutes to memorize two verses from the chapter. Thankfully, I was able to remember it when we were asked to recite the scriptures, and I can still remember it today. Yippee! I am getting more and more excited as I study and learn more, and I am excited to see how God will use this memorization as an encouragement to me, or to others. I pray that I would be able to remember them when others may need them. I had always been so afraid of never being able to really remember and recall Scripture, only to learn that it has more to do with focus and discipline than actual memory skills.

- Talked to Valerie today, and I found out that my niece or nephew will be here sometime in August. Can't wait to meet him or her. I am glad that her ultrasound went well and that things are good. Yay again!

- As I study more about God's word and His truth, I find myself slowly less interested in things that normally would have held my attention for long periods of time - movies, actors, tv, random internet sites. I hope this lasts.

- Thanks to God for His mercy, love, goodness, and faithfulness. I love the Scripture more and more. "...for in perfect faithfulness He has done marvelous things, things planned long ago."

Not Sure

I feel like I need to type something, but I don't know what. I have been sitting here thinking for a while, but not a whole lot is coming.

I guess I'll recap what I've been learning lately:

1) God clearly showing me that I am so influenced by my parents and grandparents in good ways. If I sit down and make a list of positive and negative influences from each one (which I had to do tonight as part of my "Breaking Free" homework), I can come up with a couple of negatives for them, but it made me smile thinking about the abundance of positive influences. I think about how they love to laugh, how they love their families, how they all love being around babies, how they all really enjoy movies, how they all have an amazing work ethic, how they are all strong in their own ways. I could go on and on. I am grateful for each and every one, and I feel so incredibly blessed to be able to say that I knew them all. Each one is different and unique, and I am proud to have learned so much from them.

2) Memorizing Scripture is not easy, but it is a lot easier when you surround yourself with it, and make it a point to keep it in front of you. I think about what I've kept around me, and how easy it's been to be thrown off course. I want to be at a place where studying and memorizing Scripture is what I do in my spare time, not veg out in front of a TV or reread the same fiction books over and over again.

3) I love that God is a God of big stuff and little stuff. I love that He cares enough about me to take care of the little stuff, and how seeing His provision in those small things is getting easier and easier when I seek His company.

4) I am really, really happy for Valerie right now. When she told me she was pregnant, my first reaction was true surprise and happiness. I praise God for this response!! I am so glad that because of Him, I have victory over thoughts that otherwise might try to take me captive. I don't know if and when we'll ever have children of our own, but I do know God, and that He is loving and merciful to His children. What excites me a lot is how God has been reminding me of how much Val's pregnancy is an answer to earnest prayers made nearly two years ago. Prayers for her healing, both physically and emotionally. I thank God for His faithfulness.

If there was anything that bummed me about her news, it was hearing her tell me how scared she was to share this wonderful news with me. She was terrified that I would be very emotional and hurt by hearing her news while we continued "struggling" to have a baby of our own. Although I appreciated her concern for me, it scared me because I wondered if I had given her the impression that the topic of kids was super sensitive to me. My feelings for a long time have been that the topic of pregnancy is one I will dwell on when the time comes, but I don't want to have my mind and thoughts be taken captive by it, especially when I don't know if children are in God's plan for us. My desire to not talk about pregnancy 24/7 is not because it would be too painful, or because I can't stand thinking about our fertility issues. It's instead a desire to focus on what God has immediately put before us. A desire to focus on His plan, and glorifying Him for it.

I read something on Beth Moore's blog (www.livingproofministries.blogspot.com) the other day that struck me with awe. Beth had asked readers to anonymously submit their own stories of how God helped them break free from various struggles or strongholds in their lives. While reading through these amazing stories, I read a post from a woman who had also tried for several years to have a child. This is what she wrote:

I think the greatest area of bondage that the chains have been broken was the despair I felt about not being able to have children: the failure of my body, the failure of not giving my husband a family. I remember a September morning, clear, sunny and crisp - my wedding day and the hope that marriage and someday being parents would bring. After a few years, we began trying to have children. Many of my friends and my sister were having kids and we were not. I felt that I could not do the thing that God created me, a woman, to do. I lamented for years. I lamented that I could not give my husband a family. One sunny March day in the mountains of Colorado, many, many years later God spoke! "I created you for far more than being a mother." My story is more detailed than what I am writing here, as it covers many years. But I can tell you that in one moment the chains of the bondage of failure fell from me and I was set free! I am crying right now just typing this! I thank God everyday for freeing me, and blessing me in others ways - that were far greater than I ever imagined!

Wow. I absolutely love that God not only has a purpose for my life, but that He has created me for far more than I can ever dream or imagine. I love that He defines me, and that I am not bound by earthly roles and responsibilities. I thank God that He heard my prayers while I sat and prayed that beautiful Saturday morning two years ago, asking Him to take away those thoughts that brought me pain and anguish, and replacing them with His love, comfort and peace.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. " - Romans 8:28

Interesting Scripture and Other Things

Last night during my Bible study, I came across this Scripture that I think relates in a way to my whole issue lately with daydreams and mental fantasies.

From Isaiah 65:2 (NIV)
All day long I have held out my hands
to an obstinate people,
who walk in ways not good,
pursuing their own imaginations

I shudder to think how often I ignore His outstretched hand while I am busy in my own fantasy life and reverie. It's not like I am always daydreaming about how I would change my entire life, or how I am totally dissatisfied with everything, but often, in my mind, I will play out different scenarios in my mind.

But, with every moment I'm caught up in my own dreams and random thoughts, that's more time away from my very sovereign Lord.

Also, I am exited about being able to memorize more Scripture. I've been repeating it out loud and writing it to down to help cement it into my mind. Now that I'm going strong, I don't want to stop or get distracted. Now that I know that Scripture flashcards work well, I am going to try to make a bunch of small ones to take to work with me. I like the idea of having His word so close to me, especially at the place where I spend most of my day and most of my week.

Yay God!!

Daydreams

For about 3 weeks now the thought that keeps popping up in my mind is about daydreaming. I do this all the time, and it will happen at any place, and at any time. I can be at work, in my car, in a conversation with someone, or in church.

I don't know why it happens, or what causes it, but I have seen lately that God is pulling back the veil regarding the purpose of daydreams.

I just looked up the definition of daydreams.

day•dream
1. a reverie indulged in while awake.
2. to indulge in such a reverie.

Now I am looking up the definition of reverie.

rev•er•ie
1. a state of dreamy meditation or fanciful musing: lost in reverie.
2. a daydream.
3. a fantastic, visionary, or impractical idea: reveries that will never come to fruition.
4. Music. an instrumental composition of a vague and dreamy character.

Interesting...

I think about all sorts of stuff when I daydream. I think about Erik, my family, my childhood, high school, mistakes made in college, winning a ton of cash, what heaven will be like, what I'd do differently in a million different situations.

What I think God is showing me right now is that daydreams, although considered to be innocent, carefree, and part of human nature, are a huge roadblock to my spiritual growth. Daydreams are fantasizing about a life other that the one God has specifically given me. It's thinking about a life different than the one He's planned out for me. It's me taking my life into my own mind and giving it a different outcome.

This does not glorify God in any way! He has had me go through these ups and downs for a reason. He has allowed me to have certain encounters with people, good and bad, and had me learn something from each one. Maybe I haven't received the lesson yet, and maybe I never will, but I have to continue praying daily for Him to guard my mind and my heart against indulging such fantasies of the mind.

There's a part of me that thinks about going back in time, about doing things differently. But what is to gain from that? How does changing what He has already planned out bring me closer to Him? All it does is point out my dissatisfaction with the plan He has for my life, even though my desire now is to find complete satisfaction in Him, in a way I have never known before with anything or anyone else. I want to be surprised and blown away by His provision and grace. I want to cling to Him in those rough times and celebrate and praise Him for the good times. How can I do that if I have a "better" idea in my head for how things should have gone?

Thank you God, for your plan being infinitely better than mine. Thank you for what you are teaching me, and for your mercy, love and grace.

Changing It Up

I know it's been a long time since I've posted anything to the blog, and I don't have the excuse of leading a super-busy life, or not having a working computer. The reality is that I just haven't blogged lately, and I recently discovered that my lack of participation in the blogging world has more to do with the reason I blog as opposed to what I'm communicating through the blog.

At first, my whole purpose for creating a blog was to have a way to easily communicate with everyone we knew as we prepared for our missions trip to Russia, and also to post updates during our time there. When I first began, it was fun coming up with items to post and getting to express myself through writing again, albeit in a very public manner.

Since that time, I have seen God teach me a whole lot more about who I am in Him, but more importantly, who He is to me, and to the rest of the world. He is daily showing me how much I have to be grateful for, the freedom I have in Him, and the awesomeness and wonder of His grace.

You might be asking yourself, "What does this have to do with her blog?"

The answer is pride. I think it is becoming very easy for me to care too much about what I am posting and the words flowing just right, and getting some sort of self-satisfaction from my zippy little posts.

When I was in Russia, my posts truly were a way to express what God was doing there, and how this missions trip was changing my life. Once I came back home, I found myself dwelling more and more on blog posts that didn't really have much to do with God at all, which did not make sense since He was the whole point of starting this blog in the first place. I found myself less and less interested with blogging because I would get mired down with all the different ideas I had in my head, and started to lose sight of what purpose this blog would serve.

Now you may be asking yourself, "So what?"

What this means is that instead of posting stuff for other people to read and enjoy, I will be using this blog more as an online journal rather than a bulletin board for any random stuff I want to write about. I will be moving to more of a "Doogie Howser" type of journal, where I can record what God is teaching me and specific prayers requests to help give me a timeline of His work in my life. If you want to continue reading it to see what God is doing in my life, that's great, but I am hopeful that I can stay focused on using this tool as a way to ultimately glorify God, and not focus on what people may think of my writing.

This does not mean that you will be forbidden to post comments or even have an opinion on my writing. It's posted in a very public forum, and I am continuing to pursue writing here. To those who have posted comments, read the blog, or discussed it with others, I thank you for visiting, and for your feedback. I am glad that the posts about Russia were special to our friends and family.

Since I have never been good about journaling or writing down prayer requests, it is my hope that this outlet will be a constant reminder of the refining work He is doing in my life, and how faithful He is to us.

"Oh LORD, you are my God;
I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness
you have done marvelous things,
things planned long ago."
Isaiah 25:1

Numbers for Thought

I received an email a couple of days ago from John B., one of the Russia trip coordinators for East-West Ministries. He sent our team a breakdown of all the information gathered during our time there, including how many people heard clear presentations of the Gospel, how many prayed to accept Christ into their lives, and how many received a follow-up visit from a team member.

Since this was my first trip, I really wasn’t sure what to expect as I read through the information. I knew that God had done amazing things through our team, and that we all came back with lots of stories of His provision and goodness during our many divine appointments there.

When I finally got to the section with the statistics, my jaw just dropped.


716 people heard a clear presentation of the Gospel.

54 people invited Christ into their lives.

10 people received a follow-up visit from a team member.

This wasn’t a huge team, we didn’t have a lot of time with those we met, and we had to communicate everything through interpreters, but He used the trip and each one of us for His glory, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Forgiveness When It Doesn't Make Sense

These days, people have lots of ideas of how they would punish criminals or reform the justice system if they had their way. Some would opt for more prisoner rehabilitation or therapy, while others would likely vote for a strenuous, no-frills boot camp environment. Some would offer more access to education while others would cut them back to one meal a day. Some push for tougher sentencing and harsher living conditions while others lobby for better access to health care, education, and legal representation.

In the article below, the question becomes, “What do you do when both the victims and the offender are your loved ones?” This is an incredible story of forgiveness, love and hope.

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/5226922.html

Good To Be Home

If you've read my earlier posts, you might remember my description of visiting Alexei's church on that first Sunday in Voronezh, and how it touched me immensely to attend a church service half a world away from home. I was moved by the emotion, joy and love they showed both during the service and afterwards when they came to greet their American brothers and sisters in Christ who had come to worship alongside them. It was a sweet time of fellowship, and an exciting opportunity to see how God was blessing their ministry in Voronezh.

This morning was my first service back at BridgePoint Bible Church, and I was moved again by the sweet time of fellowship, and saw with a new perspective how God is using this body of believers to impact the area for His glory and to grow His kingdom. When we first came back, I felt like I had been gone a month, and so to be back at church today was refreshing, encouraging, and exciting in so many ways.

It was humbling to hear story after story of people praying for us at different times during our trip, and knowing that their specific prayers were answered during our time there. We have been blessed to know so many people at BridgePoint, and with all those friendships come lots of questions about our trip, and many opportunities to share what all He did during our time there.

Someone asked today if I have been talking non-stop about the trip, and to be honest, the answer is both "Yes" and "No." I have talked about the trip a lot since we've been back, to family, friends, and everyone in between. But, the reason I don't think I am talking about it non-stop is because I still feel like I am processing what all happened and what all God allowed me to see, and that my words and stories need to reflect what all God did, and not focus on what I did. I know that He has changed my perspective on my relationship with Him and also on the world around me, but I know that my words and actions now have an even bigger impact on those around me, and that the life I lead should reflect His love and grace.

So at this point, I am eager to share my stories, pictures and lessons learned in Russia, but I am doing so with the knowledge that this needs to be done with as much prayer and discernment as during the trip itself. It is my sincere prayer that everything about this trip from beginning to end brings Him the ultimate glory in every way.

In summation, I am glad to be home, happy to be back at church with our church family, and still pumped up that I got to sing "Lion of Judah" in church today. Yay for awesome praise music!