Yeah, it's July and I haven't posted anything since February. I guess if you're a serious blogger, then this is probably offensive and insane to you. If you're the sporadic, random blogger like myself, then you'll think nothing less of me for my lack of updates.
In the months since then, about 8.5 million things have happened, both to me, my family, and the crazy world around us.
A small recap:
1) I'm scheduled to go back to Russia this fall (!) There is a TON to get done between now and then, and even more to pray about. I am excited, albeit in an anxious, butterflies-in-my-stomach kind of way.
2) My sister had her baby early, and they are both doing well. His name is Benjamin Andrew Grayson, but I may end up calling him BAG for short. Maybe Baggy. I haven't decided yet.
3) My husband and I have knocked out a good chunk of debt, getting us closer to debt-free livin'. Yeehaw!
4) I finished the Beth Moore series, and it was awesome. Way more than just "alright, alright, alright."
5) I turned 31. Not a monumental birthday (especially since I was sick), but it was still a blessed time with family and friends. I now have a plethora of gift cards with which to update my shoddy wardrobe (and fend off family members who might be tempted to submit a video of me to "What Not to Wear").
6) I began participating in a mentor relationship through my church. I enjoy the role of "mentee," and my mentor has been a big blessing to me. [I should say that for the record, the word "mentee" reminds me too much of the word "manatee," which is not good for the self-image]
7) We hosted an anniversary party for my in-laws, with over 30 people in our house and I survived! Actually, I had a great time and it was a big success, but I was an absolute mess with nervousness and fretful thinking leading up to it.
If I keep going on with my list, I might end up just listing out everything, so I'd better stop there.
As amazing as these past few months have been, I'm frustrated that after all that's happened, I find myself back in the same spiritual funk I was in last summer. It seems that for the past couple of years, the beginning of summer usually means the beginning of a spiritual and emotional drought with me.
I struggle more with quiet times in the summer, I procrastinate more with everything, and it's hard for me to really appreciate or absorb the spiritual truth I hear all around me. I am blessed to be surrounded by such truth, but it's like I've got on some sort of lead helmet or something. Not much is able to get through, and if it does, there's not a lot of internal absorption.
Am I that dependent on structured Bible studies? Must I always have a routine in studying the Word? What does this say about my desire to know His word? I've been racking my brain over these questions, and I am at a mental crossroad, stuck pondering these two thoughts.
A) Galatians 5:1 says that "It is for freedom that Christ set us free." Being free in Christ means being free from condemnation, free from the fear of failing God. His grace is sufficient, but yet I live and think as though I am losing some sort of God brownie points for not being diligent. I know that His love and mercy (and my salvation) are not based on my works or my own ideas of Christian responsibilities. He ultimately knows my heart and that I desire to know Him better, but I will fall short. It's through His grace and mercy that I am picked up and dusted off.
B) I know that a person can respect God, believe in Him, study His word, worship Him and revere Him, but still not love Him with all their heart. He desires us to seek Him in all we do, and to love Him. If I am doing everything and still struggling with the heart motivation, what does this say about my love for Him? I am scared of that answer. I know that I love God, but how is this measured? Do I compare it to the love I know in the earthly sense? Do I even have the right to measure it at all? I know that I have freedom in Christ, but not freedom to slack off and procrastinate spending time with my Savior. Enjoying the freedom Christ gives does not mean that I get to justify or make light of the fact that I am letting many things come between my daily walk with God. I need to spend more time in His word, but not because I have to, but because I want to. But knowing that I want to do something, and actions following that knowledge are two vastly different things.
Enough deep thoughts for this evening. More coherant thoughts will hopefully follow in the days to come...
In the months since then, about 8.5 million things have happened, both to me, my family, and the crazy world around us.
A small recap:
1) I'm scheduled to go back to Russia this fall (!) There is a TON to get done between now and then, and even more to pray about. I am excited, albeit in an anxious, butterflies-in-my-stomach kind of way.
2) My sister had her baby early, and they are both doing well. His name is Benjamin Andrew Grayson, but I may end up calling him BAG for short. Maybe Baggy. I haven't decided yet.
3) My husband and I have knocked out a good chunk of debt, getting us closer to debt-free livin'. Yeehaw!
4) I finished the Beth Moore series, and it was awesome. Way more than just "alright, alright, alright."
5) I turned 31. Not a monumental birthday (especially since I was sick), but it was still a blessed time with family and friends. I now have a plethora of gift cards with which to update my shoddy wardrobe (and fend off family members who might be tempted to submit a video of me to "What Not to Wear").
6) I began participating in a mentor relationship through my church. I enjoy the role of "mentee," and my mentor has been a big blessing to me. [I should say that for the record, the word "mentee" reminds me too much of the word "manatee," which is not good for the self-image]
7) We hosted an anniversary party for my in-laws, with over 30 people in our house and I survived! Actually, I had a great time and it was a big success, but I was an absolute mess with nervousness and fretful thinking leading up to it.
If I keep going on with my list, I might end up just listing out everything, so I'd better stop there.
As amazing as these past few months have been, I'm frustrated that after all that's happened, I find myself back in the same spiritual funk I was in last summer. It seems that for the past couple of years, the beginning of summer usually means the beginning of a spiritual and emotional drought with me.
I struggle more with quiet times in the summer, I procrastinate more with everything, and it's hard for me to really appreciate or absorb the spiritual truth I hear all around me. I am blessed to be surrounded by such truth, but it's like I've got on some sort of lead helmet or something. Not much is able to get through, and if it does, there's not a lot of internal absorption.
Am I that dependent on structured Bible studies? Must I always have a routine in studying the Word? What does this say about my desire to know His word? I've been racking my brain over these questions, and I am at a mental crossroad, stuck pondering these two thoughts.
A) Galatians 5:1 says that "It is for freedom that Christ set us free." Being free in Christ means being free from condemnation, free from the fear of failing God. His grace is sufficient, but yet I live and think as though I am losing some sort of God brownie points for not being diligent. I know that His love and mercy (and my salvation) are not based on my works or my own ideas of Christian responsibilities. He ultimately knows my heart and that I desire to know Him better, but I will fall short. It's through His grace and mercy that I am picked up and dusted off.
B) I know that a person can respect God, believe in Him, study His word, worship Him and revere Him, but still not love Him with all their heart. He desires us to seek Him in all we do, and to love Him. If I am doing everything and still struggling with the heart motivation, what does this say about my love for Him? I am scared of that answer. I know that I love God, but how is this measured? Do I compare it to the love I know in the earthly sense? Do I even have the right to measure it at all? I know that I have freedom in Christ, but not freedom to slack off and procrastinate spending time with my Savior. Enjoying the freedom Christ gives does not mean that I get to justify or make light of the fact that I am letting many things come between my daily walk with God. I need to spend more time in His word, but not because I have to, but because I want to. But knowing that I want to do something, and actions following that knowledge are two vastly different things.
Enough deep thoughts for this evening. More coherant thoughts will hopefully follow in the days to come...
