Not Sure

I feel like I need to type something, but I don't know what. I have been sitting here thinking for a while, but not a whole lot is coming.

I guess I'll recap what I've been learning lately:

1) God clearly showing me that I am so influenced by my parents and grandparents in good ways. If I sit down and make a list of positive and negative influences from each one (which I had to do tonight as part of my "Breaking Free" homework), I can come up with a couple of negatives for them, but it made me smile thinking about the abundance of positive influences. I think about how they love to laugh, how they love their families, how they all love being around babies, how they all really enjoy movies, how they all have an amazing work ethic, how they are all strong in their own ways. I could go on and on. I am grateful for each and every one, and I feel so incredibly blessed to be able to say that I knew them all. Each one is different and unique, and I am proud to have learned so much from them.

2) Memorizing Scripture is not easy, but it is a lot easier when you surround yourself with it, and make it a point to keep it in front of you. I think about what I've kept around me, and how easy it's been to be thrown off course. I want to be at a place where studying and memorizing Scripture is what I do in my spare time, not veg out in front of a TV or reread the same fiction books over and over again.

3) I love that God is a God of big stuff and little stuff. I love that He cares enough about me to take care of the little stuff, and how seeing His provision in those small things is getting easier and easier when I seek His company.

4) I am really, really happy for Valerie right now. When she told me she was pregnant, my first reaction was true surprise and happiness. I praise God for this response!! I am so glad that because of Him, I have victory over thoughts that otherwise might try to take me captive. I don't know if and when we'll ever have children of our own, but I do know God, and that He is loving and merciful to His children. What excites me a lot is how God has been reminding me of how much Val's pregnancy is an answer to earnest prayers made nearly two years ago. Prayers for her healing, both physically and emotionally. I thank God for His faithfulness.

If there was anything that bummed me about her news, it was hearing her tell me how scared she was to share this wonderful news with me. She was terrified that I would be very emotional and hurt by hearing her news while we continued "struggling" to have a baby of our own. Although I appreciated her concern for me, it scared me because I wondered if I had given her the impression that the topic of kids was super sensitive to me. My feelings for a long time have been that the topic of pregnancy is one I will dwell on when the time comes, but I don't want to have my mind and thoughts be taken captive by it, especially when I don't know if children are in God's plan for us. My desire to not talk about pregnancy 24/7 is not because it would be too painful, or because I can't stand thinking about our fertility issues. It's instead a desire to focus on what God has immediately put before us. A desire to focus on His plan, and glorifying Him for it.

I read something on Beth Moore's blog (www.livingproofministries.blogspot.com) the other day that struck me with awe. Beth had asked readers to anonymously submit their own stories of how God helped them break free from various struggles or strongholds in their lives. While reading through these amazing stories, I read a post from a woman who had also tried for several years to have a child. This is what she wrote:

I think the greatest area of bondage that the chains have been broken was the despair I felt about not being able to have children: the failure of my body, the failure of not giving my husband a family. I remember a September morning, clear, sunny and crisp - my wedding day and the hope that marriage and someday being parents would bring. After a few years, we began trying to have children. Many of my friends and my sister were having kids and we were not. I felt that I could not do the thing that God created me, a woman, to do. I lamented for years. I lamented that I could not give my husband a family. One sunny March day in the mountains of Colorado, many, many years later God spoke! "I created you for far more than being a mother." My story is more detailed than what I am writing here, as it covers many years. But I can tell you that in one moment the chains of the bondage of failure fell from me and I was set free! I am crying right now just typing this! I thank God everyday for freeing me, and blessing me in others ways - that were far greater than I ever imagined!

Wow. I absolutely love that God not only has a purpose for my life, but that He has created me for far more than I can ever dream or imagine. I love that He defines me, and that I am not bound by earthly roles and responsibilities. I thank God that He heard my prayers while I sat and prayed that beautiful Saturday morning two years ago, asking Him to take away those thoughts that brought me pain and anguish, and replacing them with His love, comfort and peace.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. " - Romans 8:28